Advice should never be transferred DOWNWARD.

Advice should never be transferred DOWNWARD.

Originally, this was going to be a small blurb in my “Why Cliche Advice IS and ISNT Impactful” post.

However; I thought “This is important let me explain this point by point.”

I got to about a thousand words and before I said

“okay, this needs to be it’s own post.”

It may sound weird to consider why or “how” you go about giving advice.

I mean, give them your two cents and move on, right?

I think it’s much more important than that.

Not because you need to be right, but because there will be times where you are giving advice that’s going to be contrary to what someone’s been taught or told.

In those circumstances, It’s always good to be mindful of how you make the other person feel.

You don’t want them to seem foolish or that they’re gullible or just DUMB.

I think it’s always flattering to know there’s about 15-20 of my friends who always recommend their co-workers/colleagues to me for input on a variety of matters I’m interested in.

They know I genuinely want the best for others and don’t place judgements on anyone wanting to learn.

These people have NEVER met me, but are always very receptive.

If I wasn’t able to help them, they would always appreciate a genuine response from me like:

“I don’t know about that. Maybe this resource would be helpful to you, if you’d like I can go through it too and in about a week or so get back to you and see what we figure out!”

Even if you’re not able to advise someone, not being rude or a fake know it all is always refreshing.

Always aiming to be helpful, receptive, and warm to others is incredibly valuable.

That alone puts you in a positive light, and you should always aim to have that reputation.

Whenever you’re in a situation where you give some advice or mentor someone, have that in mind.

Enjoy.

Explaining the dynamics of giving Conflicting Advice

This is a concept I hold dear to my heart as it’s allowed me to drastically and directly improve THOUSANDS of lives.

(Hopefully exponentially more as the blog grows and you all share your knowledge with others too.)

When I say “Advice should never be transferred DOWNWARD” I don’t meando not pass down advice to younger generations.”

I mean that when you are giving advice it should never be done in a way where what you said could be interpreted as degrading the other person.

You should never give the impression that you’re ascribing less value to the person asking for your input.

I don’t mean it just in the sense of avoid literally saying degrading things like this:

‘I am better than you and you are less than me, you NEED this advice to this THIS way in order to be successful because I TOLD YOU SO.”

Rather, be cautious with your words and avoid anything that can feel like an “I Told You So.”

Additionally, Don’t make anyone feel like you’re giving them advice out of pity.

How I Give Advice When Asked For My Input.

Here’s an example for me to give you all.

A buddy wants my input on a supplement and performance enhancing regimen for losing weight.

Now, let’s say that for lack of decent works, it is ATROCIOUS.

BUT instead of stating This is shitty, do XYZ instead.”

I opt for something along the lines of this.

“Oooh okay, I love most of this stuff, love the supps and the training seems super intense.

why do you have X,XX, and XXX in there at those amounts?”

Do you have a lot of it on hand and are using it? if so, that makes sense.

If nooot you’ll save yourself a LOT of time by doing “XYZ Regiment” and I think you’d look even better since I know you respond to that stuff really well (plus you mentioned ya love it too awhile back) haha.”

The response is something like this:

“Yeah, that makes sense, I just heard from this guy at my gym that it was a pretty good cycle for him and that he didn’t have any side effects. If I do some of that stuff at too high of a dose I get irritable, Thanks for clearing that up man. I’ll get those others things ordered instead and give these to a buddy or something.”

“Stellar man! let me know how it goes along, sounds like you’re gonna be a BEAST!”

If you notice there’s a FEW things I did there.

  1. Found what we agreed on and stated our shared belief
  2. Asked him for his reasoning behind things that were problematic, with my assumption as to why he’s doing it that way.
  3. Immediately followed up my asking for a reasoning with a newer plan solidified in benefits, predicated on that projected belief
  4. Found a point that he would derive value from and would make him feel more agreeable to that concept, for his OWN self interest.

The Breakdown.

I’m not a “Real Social Dynamics” Blogger, a Pick-Up-Artist, or any sort of linguist/psychologist.

This is my general framework for what I PERSONALLY found that works best and helps people be more receptive.

let’s break thing down, point by point, and explain my thought process to you all.

This is so YOU can give more actionable advice AND be most impactful to the world.

  1. I find what I like, tell him I like it, and then move onto what I don’t like

I ALWAYS write about commonality breeding friendships.

That’s what I always find to be the most important part of dealing with disagreement:

Find common ground where you can.

I think i picked this up from Chris Voss’ “Never Split the Difference” back in my RedPill Days.

It’s not “ME VS YOU” rather, it’s “ME WITH YOU.”

You are not a bad person or an adversary to someone.

Especially since they’re just curious on your thoughts and you’re both aiming towards their best interests.

Two and Three

  • Asked him for his reasoning behind things that were problematic, with my assumption as to why he’s doing it that way.
  • Immediately followed up my asking for a reasoning with a newer plan solidified in benefits, predicated on that projected belief.

These two are often in tandem.

Usually I do this for people who I’m not incredibly close friends with, but it’s pretty important.

If it’s over text message or a DM it’s SUPER easy to sandwich these back to back.

In person you typically have to lead with the projected belief on why they’re doing things first.

For the sake of our example it would look something like this:

“oh, do you already have all of this stuff on hand? If you haven’t got it all yet, you can swap out these things for this thing and get WAY better results than using ALL of those.”

I feel like it’s important to explain WHY you think they would be doing it that way.

When you START with a projected belief, you can ANCHOR the important information at the end.

The MAIN REASON I also assume something is because of the age old saying:

“You know what happens when you ASSUME!! YOU make an ASS out of U and ME.”

My grandmother actually said that a lot to me as a kid, haha, I love her.

ANYWAYS

More often than not, you’ll be WRONG in your assumption.

Wait… isn’t being wrong BAD?

Why would you want to be WRONG when you’re giving a dissenting idea?

I think that’s critical because in this case, you’re both “Wrong

You on something trivial, (it’s literally pulled out thin air) them on their idea to do something subpar.

People can say “oh, no it’s because of XYZ reason.”

And you can say something along the lines of

“ooooh, well that makes way more sense as to why, haha. I still think you’ll get the most out of XYZ, let me know how it goes for you with those changes!”

You can listen to their point respectfully, and then solidify your position.*

*UNLESS they say something that legitimately changes the reasoning behind why they’re doing something in the first place that you just don’t know.

In which case, don’t be highly dogmatic in your approach.

Always have the whole picture and be willing to graciously solve things with your peers.

People like whatever suits their own self interest & Side Note.

A Roman Feast; Roberto Bompiani (Italian (Roman), 1821 – 1908); late 19th century;

Lastly, this is something I think that’s CRUCIAL to making more people receptive.

  • Found a point that he would derive value from and would make him feel more agreeable to that concept, for his OWN self interest.

In fact, it’s a sentiment echoed in the book “The 48 Laws Of Power.”

Robert Greene expands on the concept of “Self-interest being the lever that moves people.”

In the book, Law #13 references when YOU are asking for help, to appeal towards THEIR self-interest.

For this instance, it’s about having others agreeing with you because you have their best interest at heart.

Lastly, I want to clarify a few things and also why I feel like this is important to post.

This is NOT a SET IN STONE way to approach advice EVERY SINGLE TIME.

It’s more or less how a majority of my conversations go whenever my input is requested.

Sometimes people respond best to a Why are you doing that? That’s fucking stupid. Don’t do that.”

*Usually that’s just with friends though*

similarly, some people just want a yes or no for a question like:

“Hey do you think it’s a good idea to do xyz instead of going to this place”

Also, don’t go around offering unsolicited advice and get into a power struggle to explain shit.

This isn’t a way to flex your superiority and to always be “RIGHT”

If someone is asking you for advice, it’s not important that you’re “RIGHT” or that you’ve “persuaded them” into taking your advice so you can feel like you’re being helpful.

This is a decent framework that works for me so I don’t sound like an asshole or know it all to people.

At the very least, If you’re polite when giving a dissenting opinion you’ll just have a disagreement.

Wrapping things up:

Disagreeing is a LOT better than having an argument.

If they don’t agree with your advice, good news for you, they won’t waste your time asking for more.

If it turns out you were right, and they learn the hard way, don’t ever rub it in.

You did what any good person would do: tried helping your peers.

Living a life aimed towards servicing the world as genuinely as possible is important.

Doing your part whenever you can should be at the top of your priorities.

I wouldn’t want to be afraid to ask for my friends advice because I’d think of getting scolded or lectured.

Similarly, that’s how we should approach it.

Also, I don’t mean give all of your knowledge and time to someone FOR FREE.

Listen to the Jokers Advice here.

Good lord, if someone is asking YOU highly SPECIFIC questions, charge them for your time.

Imagine if someone finds out you’re a genius at math and asks you to explain calculus to them.

That is a tall order to ask, at that point they don’t want a friends’ help or advice, they want a tutor.

If you’re tutoring someone, make them pay for a session.

The same can be applied to a LOT of you guys who do PT work and bodybuilding stuff.

It’s not proving you know your stuff” to give someone and entire workout plan or a cycle design for free.

If someone asks “is close grip better for chest or triceps?” okay sure, explain that to them and be done.

There’s a fine line that YOU choose what is worth your time or not.

You can have everything gated by a paywall so you can keep your time freed up.

Conversely you can only pay gate big projects you feel are a bit too demanding.

“Heya, that is going to take me at MINIMUM a full day to do, If you REALLY prefer that I work on this, I’d love to. It’s just gonna be like $300 so I can justify spending that much time on it.”

If someone doesn’t value what you do enough to give you what you believe is fair for your time, then you both just move on and no harm done.

Small Book Recommendation

One thing I always push heavily is reading books.

Although you’ll learn the MOST through experience (I.E. talking to people and dealing with conflicts)

The next best thing is reading.

Why?

Because you don’t know the things that you do not know.

Let’s say you need to put together a table.

you know that you’ll need a table top and something to hold it up (probably four legs, nothing fancy.)

However; if you don’t know that there are screws or nails in the world, your table (and dinner) will become a massive balancing act to deal with each day.

Similarly, some books contain NEW concepts.

One book I read around 3-4 years ago was: “Never Split The Difference” by Chris Voss.

Voss was a literal hostage negotiator for the FBI, so the stakes were a bit higher for him.

He had to learn HOW to dissolve conflict, give good advice AND persuade hostile men.

He offers a lot of insight and some pretty cool stories inside.

It comes off to some as a good sales technique book, but I had a different lens when I read it then.

I highly recommend it for some cool insight into the dynamics of conversation.

Until next time, Toodles!

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